So many cyclists seem to completely disregard the laws of the road. It’s really annoying, as it gives the rest of us a bad name. I’ve sometimes wondered whether there’s actually a secret, separate set of rules for cyclists, that no one’s shown me. And then the truly excellent London blogger DiamondGeezer revealed…

The new Highway Code for cyclists (© 2006)
reproduced here with his very kind permission

Traffic Light Signals

GREEN means GO.
You may go ahead if the way is clear. You may go ahead even if the way is not clear. Quick, before that lorry runs you over.

AMBER means KEEP GOING.
No need to stop. Hurry up and you’ll get through before the lights change. Just keep your head down and charge on through. Wheeee!

RED means CARRY ON.
The red signal isn’t for you, it’s for car drivers. They have to stop at the stop line, but you’re on a bike so you can carry on. You’re only small and you’re highly manoeuvrable, so carry on pedalling. What harm could it possibly do? And you don’t want to lose any of that hard earned momentum you’ve built up, do you? I mean, why should pedestrians suddenly have the right of way. If you swerve carefully you’ll probably miss them all anyway. Remember that as a cyclist you’re completely above the law, no matter what swear words passers-by might hurl at you. Do whatever the hell you like, why don’t you?

RED 10 seconds later means PUSH TO THE FRONT.
There may still be pedestrians crossing the road in front of you, but if you nip between them you can be poised ready at the front of the queue when the passing traffic clears. Come on, every second counts!

RED 20 seconds later means HEAD OFF EARLY.
There’s nothing coming, is there, so why wait? What harm would it do to scoot off across the road junction right now? OK, so it’s technically illegal, but since when has that ever stopped you? Go on, get a head start on everyone revving up behind you.

RED AND AMBER means YOU’RE A BIT LATE, ALL THE OTHER CYCLISTS SET OFF SEVERAL SECONDS AGO.
Hurry and you might just catch up with them.

A GREEN ARROW means TURN RIGHT, OR GO STRAIGHT ON, WHATEVER.
There’s a bit of green up there. Even if it’s not the direction you want to go, just go.

A RED FILTER means SNEAK RIGHT.
There must be a gap in the oncoming traffic soon. Maybe immediately after this next car in the couple of seconds before that bus arrives. Or just go anyway, because all those other vehicles have brakes and they know how to use them.

NO LIGHTS AT ALL means POWER CUT.
Never mind. It’s not like you’d be paying a blind bit of attention to the lights even if they were working. Carry on regardless, just like normal, you thoughtless selfish roadhog.

Laws RTA 1988 sect 36, TSRGD reg 10(1) (disregarded)

[Reproduced with permission from DiamondGeezer, 31st October 2006]